A lost dream

This May we found out we were pregnant. My first pregnancy test was so faintly positive I thought I was imagining a line there. Ryan said there wasn't a line but I could see something.

The next day, trying to keep my excitement subdued, I went to Walmart and got one of those expensive early pregnancy tests, took it home and tested. Positive, still faint but definitely positive. 

I was so surprised, and shocked. We were not planning this. But we welcomed the idea of having another baby with happiness and excitement. The thought of another little newborn in my home made me giddy. 

So then I went to Idaho for a few weeks (I'll eventually write another blog post about that.) And towards the middle of my visit I started feeling a lot of pain. Just on one Side, I didn't sleep one night at all because I was terrified it was an ectopic pregnancy... I was in the middle of island park, very far away from any doctor or hospital. So the next day I decided to drive back to Rexburg and go get checked out. Just in case.

The doctor was able to confirm with me that it was not ectopic and I was about 5 weeks pregnant, but he couldn't see a baby. He said it was probably just because I ovulated late and it was too early in the game to see any development. 

After my visit, days turned into weeks and I still hadn't gone in for a follow up checkup. We were having issues with insurance, but I figured everything was okay. This pregnancy was comparatively easy. No morning sickness whatsoever. 

Just weird symptoms like intense hot flashes. Headaches. And just the general feeling of being ill. All of that was still way easier to deal with than morning sickness, so I wasn't complaining. 

However, I eventually started wondering if everything was alright with this pregnancy. It wasn't normal at all, I really didn't feel pregnant. I couldn't envision having life growing inside me like with my last pregnancies.

But  I got big fast, at 10 weeks I was already sporting a baby bump. So in my mind that was proof that there was life  growing and thriving in there.

But still I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. 

One Sunday night, I couldn't sleep at all. I had a horrible feeling of dread. I got up, checked on the girls a few times, made sure all the doors and windows were locked but nothing eased that deep rooted anxiety. I wanted to wake up Ryan so he could tell me everything was okay but he'd been putting in late nights at work. He needed his sleep. So I just laid there and dealt with it.

The main thought that kept coming to the front of my mind was the baby. This pregnancy. Something was wrong with it. 

The next day I woke up bleeding. I knew it. Something was wrong.

I went to the ER where I waited for hours with the girls in the waiting room. I bought snacks from the vending machine and brought crayons and a paper from home. Surprisingly, they both did great.

I was finally called back and had a couple ultrasounds done. They wouldn't let me see the screen so I knew something wasn't quite right. 

I was taken back to my room where I waited for what felt like an eternity. I blew up those latex gloves like a balloon and watched the girls kick them around, giggling. Their happy little laughs helped the wait seem less ominous. 

The on-call doctor finally walked in (I had been there for about 8 hours total at this point) and had a huge smile on his face and said " I don't have the best news for you." 

I couldn't decide if I was imaging what he had just said, his facial expression was all wrong for the words coming out of his mouth. 

When he didn't get a reply he continued, still smiling like a maniac. "So you are pregnant, there are two gestational sacs actually. But there's no baby in either of them. One sac is measuring 13 weeks and one Is measuring 6 weeks. No fetal pole, no heart beats, no babies, nothing. It's a condition called a blighted ovum and it's very rare people carry them successfully up to this point. Usually they end up in a miscarriage at 5 weeks... So sorry." 

He proceeded to show me a picture of his son and then he was gone.

....

What?

No baby? Or babies I should say. 

So much information. I couldn't even process it. 

So I left. 

They chased me as I was trudging through the parking lot- 2 tired girls in tow. They waved all the discharge instructions and dumb papers they needed to give me in my face, tucked them under my arm, patted my back, spun on their heels and were gone.
Ugh.
I was so done.
I just wanted to melt into the ground and somehow end up in my bed.

I got home and cried.
And cried.
And cried some more.
No baby? Where's my baby! Why didn't it grow? What did I do wrong? I slowly realized the baby I had tried so hard to envision coming in January was non existent. It was all just a dream.

 I called Ryan and cried. I called my mom and cried. I talked to my dad and cried. Both my mom and dad cried with me. They both were so comforting.
 Both of my parents know what losing a pregnancy/ baby is like. My mom had 3 miscarriages, and a still born. They both knew the things I needed to hear to cope.

So after talking to my parents I felt a little buoyed up. I put on my jogging clothes, strapped the girls in the jogging stroller and ran my heart out.

The next week was hard. Coping was hard. Ryan was gone everyday until midnight, working. I was lonely but chose to be isolated,  the last thing I wanted was social interaction. I was angry. What a joke, going through the whole first trimester of pregnancy just to be told it was all for nothing. I was sad. I was disappointed. I didn't know how to mourn over the situation.

However, time began to heal me. Within a week I felt alright. I realized that okay, there is no baby. But there are worse things that the doctor could have said. I think, in this situation, my diagnosis is what I'd prefer when dealing with any type of pregnancy loss. 

So the next week with each day I felt better. I went in for a second opinion ultrasound (just for closure on my part) and then I scheduled myself for a D&C when the diagnosis was confirmed. 

And I was okay. 

The D&C wasn't as horrible as I thought it'd be (mostly because they give you medicine they call "margaritas" or "happy meds" ) and then they put me under. Before I knew it Ryan and I were home eating Chinese with our girls. All was right in the world.

Some days I still wake up thinking I'm pregnant, only to realize I'm not anymore. But it's gotten easier and easier for me to accept with each passing day. Physically, I feel great.
Emotionally I'm okay too. It will probably be awhile until we try again, but at least I know the time will come, and that this probably will never happen again.

And I have an awesome husband, daughters and family supporting me.
Life is a blessing, indeed.