Me and my unimportant excellent life

Bear with me on this one.

I used to get horrible knots in my back in college. School was mentally and physically taxing. I loved it but my body did not. I'd get knots that would cause me constant discomfort and pain. They were always there, no matter how many times Ryan tried to rub them out.

Sure, I'd get busy during the day and kind of forget about it because I'd be thinking about other things. But once the day was done and things would settle down a little I'd start to feel it more. Sometimes it would get to the point where I'd lie in bed at night so uncomfortable that I'd just wait for morning so I could get busy again.

Well, I've been dealing with something similar, again.

Except it’s different. It's more of an emotional knot.

It's one of those things that has been continuously entering my thoughts and bringing me discomfort.

 I've been stuck in a rut.

There are times that I feel very unimportant. Somewhat unneeded. Replaceable. It's not a good feeling, so we won't delve too deeply into it.

A few years ago, during my high school years/ late teen years, I suffered with pretty serious depression. Again, we won't delve into it. It lasted couple of years. I got through it and I've never felt that horrible since.

 But a few weeks ago I began to worry that I was headed down that path once more.

 That scared me, I never want to deal with that again.

So I've been pondering on why I am important. Focusing on the positive instead of the negative.

I want to share a conclusion I came up with.

 Today, as I was walking through the crunchy leaves at the park with my two beautiful daughters, soaking in the sunshine, I realized something.

I'm not important to many people.

I'm not. And that's okay.

I am an average person. I am good at a few things but not excellent at much.

Again, that's okay.

I am not important to many people right now. But that's just right now. And just because I am not an important person, it doesn't mean I'm not doing important things.

All my time and my energy goes into doing one of the most important things I could possibly be doing. Raising good kids. Doing my best in making sure that they are kind, and good to their fellowmen. I'm exerting all of my effort into helping them become happy, successful and someday independent individuals who can live a fulfilling life. Someday they will be important to their own families and their lives will touch the lives of others and the goodness will be spread, like a ripple extending across a vast lake.

 I will have a hand in that.

 In that way, I will be important. I will touch the lives of many, many people through the things I am doing right now. Sometimes I wonder if our prophet President Monson's great grandmother, grandmother or mother ever had feelings of inadequacy and insignificance in what she was doing? All the important people now and throughout history have had people who supported who they were, who helped and guided them along their way. 

 I realize that I am important to my kids and husband. I am not only important, I am essential to them.

 Sometimes, I think about if I had chosen to go to work as a full time nurse. I'd see the importance of my life and the importance of my actions immediately, all day long.

I would be important.

But I would not be essential in that position. There are thousands of nurses out there who could place tracheotomy tubes, assist in blood transfusions and operations, and help patients with their needs. Someday I will experience that but right now I am focused on something I find more important.

There is only one person who can raise my kids with unconditional, unwavering love and care. There is one person who can be an eternal, loving and loyal companion to Ryan and have such a deep love for him.

It's me.

I may not be important to everyone but I am essential to my family. And right now, that knowledge is my fuel and keeps me going. I am completely happy and content with that.

Does any of that make sense? I feel like my heart just puked all over this blog and it's a mess of words and feelings. How's that for imagery? ;)

Anyways, just thought I'd share my little personal breakthrough.

And I just feel the need to add a little tidbit for those who are not in my situation.

Everyone is essential. Even if you’re not a parent. Or if your a parent who can't stay home with your kids. I realize there are so many different situations out there and I’m not saying my path is the only essential path. This is just me discovering my happiness and necessity in my own personal circumstance.

.

There isn't one specific essential way to this life. Everyone is essential in one way or another, because there is only one you and you’re the only one that can add goodness to this life in your own unique way.

 If you’re doing your best and choosing to touch lives in a positive, good way than you are essential to many people.

Okay, my heart is done puking chaos on here now, I'll stop!

Anyways, I’ll put my thanksgiving post up later on, I hope everyone has a most excellent Thanksgiving weekend!

It's the little things that make life wonderful

My days are so full of little moments that make my heart happy. So many funny, cute, sweet things that happen and sometimes, just sometimes, I'm lucky enough to get a picture of them. Rarely. However, here are a few lovely little moments I've been able to capture the last couple weeks.

Emma pulling T in the wagon while laughing so hard she couldn't walk straight. Man, she loves that cat, and I have to admit she's a pretty cool cat. Despite her annoyingness. She makes for some great entertainment for Emma.

Emma visiting Alex :) 

Emma giving AddiLyn kisses at the doctors office when I told her she was about to get her shots. 

Giggling and snuggling in bed one morning when I wasn't feeling well.

Reading books together. Emma was  teaching AddiLyn what everything is. First I read it and then Emma wanted a turn.

First time Emma fed AddiLyn. It was a hard day and way late, Ryan was working late and I hadn't eaten yet. Emma had eaten a little and then asked if she could feed Addi. So I got a chance to eat and watch my cute girls interact.

Emma and Mojo. She loves horses so much. First thing that happens when we get to grandpa and grandmas place, Ryan and her uncles take her out to see all the horses. Ryan and Emma had disappeared and I got this picture in a text message after looking for them. Its amazing how fearless she's become around these huge animals. 

Speaking of huge animals (and I mean that in the best way possible)... Ryan sometimes sends me his gym selfies. He likes it when I brag about him so Im sure he won't mind me putting this up here and declaring him the most handsome husband (and muscular, and attractive, and sweetest) in all the land.

Swinging at the park on a warm fall evening. We go to the park a lot but never stay very long. This time was a lot of fun, both girls were happy and we stayed there until the sun went down. Then we went home and made quiche while we watched Hercules (Emma's new favorite show) 

One of the many things I do to keep the girls entertained while I make dinner. Water, bubbles, and cups in the sink! Please excuse my cluttered counter. Sometimes decluttering temporarily gets cut out of the priority list.

Another thing I do to keep the girls entertained, put AddiLyn in a basket. Emma usually ends up pushing the basket around the kitchen yelling "weeee!" And AddiLyn giggling the whole time.

Hey you! Yeah you! I love November. You know why? Because you grow out your beard! And that makes me happy. Because I love your beard. Almost as much as I love you! (This is a picture Ryan sent to me from work. He's my handsome man.)

I was getting ready one morning and looked up to see this cute little reflection staring up and smiling at my reflection. How cute is that?

Emma pulled this off the rack at target and put this on herself. She ran around saying "I'm a princess! Princess Emma!"

Ryan took a vacuum to AddiLyns hair and her reaction was hilarious. She wasn't scared, just confused. Then she busted out the smiles.

Movie and popcorn one rainy day. This is one of Emma's favorite things to do and a good go-to activity on those days that just aren't working out how I planned. 

Building a temple for fhe.

Emma getting stuck in her truck and laughing about it. I was sure she'd get stressed out and start screaming but she just cracked up saying "I stuck!" 

Yep. Staring at each other and giggling about nothing in particular. Just happy to be together. My heart=happy.

Life is great!

Cuteness, just because.

It's a picture posting kind of night.

 They love each other. Emma loves her baby Addi and AddiLyn loves watching Emma play and giggles at her, it's so fun.

There's nothing more precious than sleeping babies. 

Tummy time for my wild haired little lady

AddiLyns quick 3 month photoshoot

Not sleeping at about 1 AM but still so dang cute.

Someone found and got into the blue food coloring and was stained for a little while. 

And then this same someone found mommys mascara and put it on all by herself. She came in saying "mommy! Booiful eyelashes!" How can you get mad at that? It stinks that she knows how to get lids off of things though. It makes life very busy :)

Sometimes she still wants to be a baby. I found her all cuddled up in AddiLyns bed, she told me she was sleeping.

This precious tiny one loves her bumbo. She loves seeing what's going on.

Emma loves the bumbo too ;)

I love that her eyes are so blue. I have a blue eyed beauty and a brown eyed beauty, can't get much better than that!

We decided to go with dad to scouts so we hung out on the grass outside and took pictures :)

AddiLyn was kind of freaked out by how the grass felt.

Reading one of Emma's favorites. "Go Dog Go!"

Alright, I will calm down with the picture posting. 

Someday I will look back at these and be glad I put them up here. What's the point of taking pictures if your never going to show anyone? 

If you haven't guessed yet, I adore my girls!

Two vs. one

So I have two kids now.

 No big deal, right?

Wrong. 

Very wrong. 

Having two kids is a BIG deal...

I don't know how moms with more than two do it. 

Initially, I thought that having 2 was going to be easy, a breeze, a walk in the park..

And I'm sure it will get there... Eventually? 

But as for the first two weeks, it's been hard. And so fulfilling. And so worth it. 

But let's get through the hard stuff before we get to the good. 

Here is a list of things I totally didn't see coming, or just naively overlooked:

•Ryan not getting to take time off. Yikes. When I had Emma he got a week and a half off, and I still had a hard time with him going back to work. This time it was the day after I got back from the hospital. I felt as though I had been brutally thrown into a cruel lonely world of slavery and sleep deprivation... Drama much? Indeed. That may or may not have been due to the fluctuating postpartum hormones. But still. Sooo not ready for that.

•Recovery being painful and still having to cater to a little toddlers needs. 

•Having a toddler who is mad at me. All of the time. Who has all of the sudden decided she doesn't like to sleep or wear clothes or shoes, and can't seem to entertain herself for more than 5 minutes. 

•Dealing with all of the post partum woes that I completely forgot about.. The flabby body, the soreness.. everywhere. The hair starting to fall out (already!!), the lack of a schedule, no sleep.. Need I go on?

     Now before you get too bummed and make an appointment for a hysterectomy (or vasectomy... Er. Anyways..) let me turn around and enlighten you.

Here are some fulfilling things I never saw coming:

•Yes, Ryan didn't get much time off. But I have been thrown out of my comfort zone and grown from it. I have found that I can do hard things. Very hard things. I am capable of so much more than I ever realized. I have been able to get a grasp on being a mom to two so much more quickly than I would have any other way.

•I have come to appreciate and love Ryan so much more than I thought possible. He is a life saver. Seeing how hard of a worker he is, how good of a dad he is to our girls, and how supportive and loving he is  towards me makes me so thankful that our loving Heavenly Father placed him in my life. I'm glad we have each other.

•Seeing my two beautiful daughters that God has entrusted me with together. Seeing these beautiful babies of mine is such a blessing in and of itself. I tear up everytime I see Emma bend down and kiss her sleeping baby sister on the face. My heart swells when I see her run in frantically trying to help AddiLyn be happy when she hears her little squeaky cry. She's such an amazing older sister, and she may not like me right now but I know deep down she still loves and adores her Momma! And she loves and completely adores her sister. And that, my friends, makes me happy.

• I have learned so much about Emma and her needs within the last two weeks. I've also managed to get my girls on a semi corresponding schedule... Which makes me feel pretty dang awesome.

•The lack of sleep has only resulted in a deeper love for my little newborn baby girl. We have so many special and bonding moments through those long night-time hours. Those times when she's most awake and she looks into my eyes without interruption, getting to know who her Mom is. Looking into the sweet innocent eyes of my newborn baby is an experience I will always treasure. I wouldn't trade those moments for a good nights sleep, ever. 

So, yes. Having two kids is a big deal. Is it easy? No. But is it a bad thing? No! I wouldn't trade it for the world! I absolutely love my baby girls!! 

So blurry. You can still feel the love, right? So who cares?

Blessings. ❤️❤️❤️

TMI.

So. If your a man, you wont understand this blog post. So go away! Go read something else. Anyways, this might be tmi but......




I want another baby. So badly.




I miss being pregnant. And nursing. And snuggling. And the sweet tender moments that fill the day when a newborn is in the home. I miss having a tiny bundle of adorableness completely dependent upon me. I love the sweet little noises they make. People think I'm crazy when I say this, but I love the whole pregnancy/baby process.

I LOVE IT. All of it.
I don't care about getting fat. I don't mind staying up all night. I don't care about the blow outs and spit up. It's all worth it.

EmmaLee needs a sibling. I can't believe she's a little toddler already.  She loves little babies. I don't want her to be lonely, she needs a sibling.

Everyone around me is pregnant and having babies. It's a great thing, but to be honest, it makes me a little jealous.

It's a teeny bit frustrating because my body seems to have NO IDEA what it's doing. So I think it'll probably be a little while, unfortunately.
BUT... I'm young. And I have a child. I have the opportunity to be a mom... Some people don't ever get that chance. I'm so grateful that I can experience motherhood.
 And Emma is still sort of a baby. She's such a blessing. She still snuggles a lot. And she provides many tender moments.  I have time.

Here are some quotes that have helped me not get discouraged about the situation or anything else going on right now. ( Thank you, Pinterest!)