Idaho shenanigans part 1

This winter left me needing some rejuvenation. Some concentrated TLC. A little excitement. It had been awhile since I'd seen my side of the family so I planned a trip for me and the girls to go up to Idaho for 3 weeks. I tried to convince Ryan to ditch work  and runaway with me, but him and his responsible self simply could not do that. He was a little (OK alot!) sad about me going without him but he knew more than anyone that I needed to get out of Texas for awhile.

So I packed up my sweet little babies and caravaned to St. George with my in-laws. (They've left the ranch, moving on to make fun memories somewhere else.)

We stayed at their new place for a few days to recover from the drive and then I trekked from St. George to Sugar City on my own with the girls. 

Crazzzyy. I only stopped once, but it was for a few hours with my absolute best friend in the entire world and her babies! Our babies bonded, we caught up, it was perfection. Consider this a shout out to my main woman Chelsea!! 

Anyways, I stayed with my grandparents for the first  week, which was so good.
 We all slept in the same room.  I thought it was going to be a disaster, both girls are such light sleepers. But guess what? We slept just fine. 

It was nice being at my grandparents place again. I have so many fond childhood memories there and I got to relive a lot of them. It was so meaningful that they welcomed me with open arms into their home. It left me feeling a little nostalgic for the days way back when!

Playing with the same toys I played with as a 3 year old. :)

The next week we went to a time share in island park and stayed there the whole week. I think this was my favorite part of the trip. It's such a beautiful place!

It was so refreshing being in the wilderness. It felt real. Raw. Untouched. And to make it even better I was with some of the people I love most! Just eating, relaxing and catching up. Emma and Addi got a lot of concentrated love and attention from a group of obsessed aunts. It was perfection.

The next week I felt like I was in fast motion, trying to get all the fun things in before I went back home. By the end of the week I was exhausted! 

Don't mind the nudity. My 3 year old sees any body of water and she strips down completely, no matter where we are! :)

It was such a wonderful trip. I wish I could write down every day in detail to prove how spoiled rotten we really were but that would simply take too long!

The trip was jam packed full of fun and ended way too soon. 

 I drove from Salem to Colorado by myself with the girls. It ended up being a 12 hour drive. The girls did great. I may or may not have  cried a lot on that drive...

 The only time the girls really cried during that whole drive is when they saw that I had been crying. Poor things don't see me cry very often, they didn't know how to take it.  I'm so close to my family and the farther I got from them the more my heart hurt! 

(Keep in mind, I wasn't expecting to see them again for at least a year or so since I was "expecting")

So with that frame of mind, I was a mess.

But I kept myself together enough to drive safely and get to Colorado.

I stayed in a scary grimey hotel that night and somehow managed not to get mugged or robbed so that was good. 

 The next day Ryan met me in Denver and he instantly made everything better. 

The drive from Denver to Texas was a breeze. I felt better being with my eternal companion once again! He said he's never letting me leave his side ever again. I'll have to take him along with me next time. :)

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to be with my amazing family and see them bond with the girls. My dad especially hit it off with them. It made my heart so happy.

It was a such a good 3 weeks. I feel like it woke me up in more ways than one. Going back to your roots, your foundation, once in a while is good. 

Life is good.

A lost dream

This May we found out we were pregnant. My first pregnancy test was so faintly positive I thought I was imagining a line there. Ryan said there wasn't a line but I could see something.

The next day, trying to keep my excitement subdued, I went to Walmart and got one of those expensive early pregnancy tests, took it home and tested. Positive, still faint but definitely positive. 

I was so surprised, and shocked. We were not planning this. But we welcomed the idea of having another baby with happiness and excitement. The thought of another little newborn in my home made me giddy. 

So then I went to Idaho for a few weeks (I'll eventually write another blog post about that.) And towards the middle of my visit I started feeling a lot of pain. Just on one Side, I didn't sleep one night at all because I was terrified it was an ectopic pregnancy... I was in the middle of island park, very far away from any doctor or hospital. So the next day I decided to drive back to Rexburg and go get checked out. Just in case.

The doctor was able to confirm with me that it was not ectopic and I was about 5 weeks pregnant, but he couldn't see a baby. He said it was probably just because I ovulated late and it was too early in the game to see any development. 

After my visit, days turned into weeks and I still hadn't gone in for a follow up checkup. We were having issues with insurance, but I figured everything was okay. This pregnancy was comparatively easy. No morning sickness whatsoever. 

Just weird symptoms like intense hot flashes. Headaches. And just the general feeling of being ill. All of that was still way easier to deal with than morning sickness, so I wasn't complaining. 

However, I eventually started wondering if everything was alright with this pregnancy. It wasn't normal at all, I really didn't feel pregnant. I couldn't envision having life growing inside me like with my last pregnancies.

But  I got big fast, at 10 weeks I was already sporting a baby bump. So in my mind that was proof that there was life  growing and thriving in there.

But still I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. 

One Sunday night, I couldn't sleep at all. I had a horrible feeling of dread. I got up, checked on the girls a few times, made sure all the doors and windows were locked but nothing eased that deep rooted anxiety. I wanted to wake up Ryan so he could tell me everything was okay but he'd been putting in late nights at work. He needed his sleep. So I just laid there and dealt with it.

The main thought that kept coming to the front of my mind was the baby. This pregnancy. Something was wrong with it. 

The next day I woke up bleeding. I knew it. Something was wrong.

I went to the ER where I waited for hours with the girls in the waiting room. I bought snacks from the vending machine and brought crayons and a paper from home. Surprisingly, they both did great.

I was finally called back and had a couple ultrasounds done. They wouldn't let me see the screen so I knew something wasn't quite right. 

I was taken back to my room where I waited for what felt like an eternity. I blew up those latex gloves like a balloon and watched the girls kick them around, giggling. Their happy little laughs helped the wait seem less ominous. 

The on-call doctor finally walked in (I had been there for about 8 hours total at this point) and had a huge smile on his face and said " I don't have the best news for you." 

I couldn't decide if I was imaging what he had just said, his facial expression was all wrong for the words coming out of his mouth. 

When he didn't get a reply he continued, still smiling like a maniac. "So you are pregnant, there are two gestational sacs actually. But there's no baby in either of them. One sac is measuring 13 weeks and one Is measuring 6 weeks. No fetal pole, no heart beats, no babies, nothing. It's a condition called a blighted ovum and it's very rare people carry them successfully up to this point. Usually they end up in a miscarriage at 5 weeks... So sorry." 

He proceeded to show me a picture of his son and then he was gone.

....

What?

No baby? Or babies I should say. 

So much information. I couldn't even process it. 

So I left. 

They chased me as I was trudging through the parking lot- 2 tired girls in tow. They waved all the discharge instructions and dumb papers they needed to give me in my face, tucked them under my arm, patted my back, spun on their heels and were gone.
Ugh.
I was so done.
I just wanted to melt into the ground and somehow end up in my bed.

I got home and cried.
And cried.
And cried some more.
No baby? Where's my baby! Why didn't it grow? What did I do wrong? I slowly realized the baby I had tried so hard to envision coming in January was non existent. It was all just a dream.

 I called Ryan and cried. I called my mom and cried. I talked to my dad and cried. Both my mom and dad cried with me. They both were so comforting.
 Both of my parents know what losing a pregnancy/ baby is like. My mom had 3 miscarriages, and a still born. They both knew the things I needed to hear to cope.

So after talking to my parents I felt a little buoyed up. I put on my jogging clothes, strapped the girls in the jogging stroller and ran my heart out.

The next week was hard. Coping was hard. Ryan was gone everyday until midnight, working. I was lonely but chose to be isolated,  the last thing I wanted was social interaction. I was angry. What a joke, going through the whole first trimester of pregnancy just to be told it was all for nothing. I was sad. I was disappointed. I didn't know how to mourn over the situation.

However, time began to heal me. Within a week I felt alright. I realized that okay, there is no baby. But there are worse things that the doctor could have said. I think, in this situation, my diagnosis is what I'd prefer when dealing with any type of pregnancy loss. 

So the next week with each day I felt better. I went in for a second opinion ultrasound (just for closure on my part) and then I scheduled myself for a D&C when the diagnosis was confirmed. 

And I was okay. 

The D&C wasn't as horrible as I thought it'd be (mostly because they give you medicine they call "margaritas" or "happy meds" ) and then they put me under. Before I knew it Ryan and I were home eating Chinese with our girls. All was right in the world.

Some days I still wake up thinking I'm pregnant, only to realize I'm not anymore. But it's gotten easier and easier for me to accept with each passing day. Physically, I feel great.
Emotionally I'm okay too. It will probably be awhile until we try again, but at least I know the time will come, and that this probably will never happen again.

And I have an awesome husband, daughters and family supporting me.
Life is a blessing, indeed.