Me and my unimportant excellent life

Bear with me on this one.

I used to get horrible knots in my back in college. School was mentally and physically taxing. I loved it but my body did not. I'd get knots that would cause me constant discomfort and pain. They were always there, no matter how many times Ryan tried to rub them out.

Sure, I'd get busy during the day and kind of forget about it because I'd be thinking about other things. But once the day was done and things would settle down a little I'd start to feel it more. Sometimes it would get to the point where I'd lie in bed at night so uncomfortable that I'd just wait for morning so I could get busy again.

Well, I've been dealing with something similar, again.

Except it’s different. It's more of an emotional knot.

It's one of those things that has been continuously entering my thoughts and bringing me discomfort.

 I've been stuck in a rut.

There are times that I feel very unimportant. Somewhat unneeded. Replaceable. It's not a good feeling, so we won't delve too deeply into it.

A few years ago, during my high school years/ late teen years, I suffered with pretty serious depression. Again, we won't delve into it. It lasted couple of years. I got through it and I've never felt that horrible since.

 But a few weeks ago I began to worry that I was headed down that path once more.

 That scared me, I never want to deal with that again.

So I've been pondering on why I am important. Focusing on the positive instead of the negative.

I want to share a conclusion I came up with.

 Today, as I was walking through the crunchy leaves at the park with my two beautiful daughters, soaking in the sunshine, I realized something.

I'm not important to many people.

I'm not. And that's okay.

I am an average person. I am good at a few things but not excellent at much.

Again, that's okay.

I am not important to many people right now. But that's just right now. And just because I am not an important person, it doesn't mean I'm not doing important things.

All my time and my energy goes into doing one of the most important things I could possibly be doing. Raising good kids. Doing my best in making sure that they are kind, and good to their fellowmen. I'm exerting all of my effort into helping them become happy, successful and someday independent individuals who can live a fulfilling life. Someday they will be important to their own families and their lives will touch the lives of others and the goodness will be spread, like a ripple extending across a vast lake.

 I will have a hand in that.

 In that way, I will be important. I will touch the lives of many, many people through the things I am doing right now. Sometimes I wonder if our prophet President Monson's great grandmother, grandmother or mother ever had feelings of inadequacy and insignificance in what she was doing? All the important people now and throughout history have had people who supported who they were, who helped and guided them along their way. 

 I realize that I am important to my kids and husband. I am not only important, I am essential to them.

 Sometimes, I think about if I had chosen to go to work as a full time nurse. I'd see the importance of my life and the importance of my actions immediately, all day long.

I would be important.

But I would not be essential in that position. There are thousands of nurses out there who could place tracheotomy tubes, assist in blood transfusions and operations, and help patients with their needs. Someday I will experience that but right now I am focused on something I find more important.

There is only one person who can raise my kids with unconditional, unwavering love and care. There is one person who can be an eternal, loving and loyal companion to Ryan and have such a deep love for him.

It's me.

I may not be important to everyone but I am essential to my family. And right now, that knowledge is my fuel and keeps me going. I am completely happy and content with that.

Does any of that make sense? I feel like my heart just puked all over this blog and it's a mess of words and feelings. How's that for imagery? ;)

Anyways, just thought I'd share my little personal breakthrough.

And I just feel the need to add a little tidbit for those who are not in my situation.

Everyone is essential. Even if you’re not a parent. Or if your a parent who can't stay home with your kids. I realize there are so many different situations out there and I’m not saying my path is the only essential path. This is just me discovering my happiness and necessity in my own personal circumstance.

.

There isn't one specific essential way to this life. Everyone is essential in one way or another, because there is only one you and you’re the only one that can add goodness to this life in your own unique way.

 If you’re doing your best and choosing to touch lives in a positive, good way than you are essential to many people.

Okay, my heart is done puking chaos on here now, I'll stop!

Anyways, I’ll put my thanksgiving post up later on, I hope everyone has a most excellent Thanksgiving weekend!